so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize