Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My vagina is officially offended.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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