dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
