I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
