i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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