Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
