is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
