there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Houston, we have a squirter
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
