I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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