I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
