You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
