Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
