I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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