Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
