birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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