Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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