Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
