She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
