There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
