I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
