Christians are straight up FREAKS
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
