tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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