what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
