I wish I could teleport
Pappa wants mamma naked
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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