I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
