I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
