I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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