Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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