So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
