I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
