Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
