Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
