She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
