he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
