I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
someone owes me an orgasm
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize