Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
