all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
