I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize