help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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