John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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