Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
