Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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