my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
