Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Randomize
