My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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