Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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