what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize