I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
