Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
