You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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