On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
