He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
