who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Randomize
