She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
