Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
