her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
