my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
