I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
