just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize