You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
where am i from again
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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