I got chris browned last night
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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