my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
