I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
