As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
