Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
